You Reap What You Sow

You reap what you sow. Is there anyone that knows this better than a reformed drug addict? Being one, and seeing the harvest from what began as recreational methamphetamine use, and eventually evolved into a full blown addiction, I can honestly understand why so many addicts sober up and then relapse into their old habits. The damn guilt of failing my sons is enough to make me want to pull the trigger. Being a drug addict at least you're alive, although some addicts, without doubt, would be better off dead. Now as I look back and think how irresponsible I was, how selfish, how unfair I was to be so self-centered, I realize the worst; I can never make the lost love or time up to the ones I love. Never. If I spend the rest of my life trying, never. Time cannot be reused, whatever love I give them now, I give them now. It is not the love I could have given them then.
The remorse is brutal. Brutal is the proper word: The remorse is beating the life out of me, spiritually, mentally, physically. There is no where to hide from yourself. Unless of course it's
in the drug world, but I never "hid" in the drug world. One doesn't realize they're hiding until the game is over and they can't find their life, or what they thought was their life. While I was hiding in my mind, reality changed. After the party, reformed, I look around for the wonderful life I once had. The reality is my life has failed. The wonderful life is gone, I have no love. The love lost leaves me empty, lonely, heartbroken. Losing the love of my sons is especially depressing. Despite the fact I raised them, and shared some part of life with them daily, in the end they felt abandoned and ignored. The brutal part is not the Love they now Don't feel for me, (you reap what you sow) but the guilt I feel for not giving them every ounce of love every moment they were needing it, wanting it and I should have been delivering. That is the brutal part: thinking that my sons looked to me for love and and felt ignored. I love my sons. Always.It brings tears to my eyes writing these words. If time could be reused I would chain them to me to ensure our closeness.