The Past

There are many failures in my life. If one is to judge their life as being goal oriented and productive, or not; Mature or not; Revolutionary, enlightening, dedicated, committed, or not, I was a dismal failure. I was self and over indulged. I was blind, drugged, ignorant, selfish, stupid, addicted to stimulation and lost. I was bliss and narcissistic. Now, for the most part, I have to look behind me to see that demon ridden corpse, and more than I realize he should have never lived my life , I know he never will again.
Life is lived forward, and there is the triumph; I have thrown demons upon myself and carried them until I knew them, indulged them, paid the price for their association and divorced them. In the end of our relationship, I knew what we were all about, and I would not be consumed. At least not further. I've been there and done that, and pay a price for the experience. In some way or another, I pay the price for the experience every day.
The sum total of my knowledge:
If there is a Heaven it is in one's smile. Hell can be anywhere. If you have survived it and are stronger, look forward. Your failures become your triumphs when you overcome them.
There are those in the world whom willingly remind you of past failures.. They use what was as a means to control and manipulate. They use one's failures as a means to judge and oppress long after the mistake has been committed. Once an individual has triumphed over their mistakes, matured and changed, there is little reason to allow this oppression. The triumph includes understanding life is lived forward and mistakes in the past must be understood for reference and knowledge, then left in the past as not to handicap the future.
Life and Time will weaken and discourage some, others it will strengthen and make more determined. The path we choose and it's evaluation is all about perception. Other's perception is important to help us set our parameters, but only our own perception should determine how we feel about our path and where it has traveled. For all the lowlife, ugly, stimulating, depressing, crazy, wild life I've seen; For all the years I worked a rut; For all of life, I can not now be sorry for having been there, just as I'm not sorry for not living a life that was driven, motivated, religious, righteous or more acceptable to the judgmental.
The mistakes I've made, were made knowingly. I chose to do things. I chose how to live my life. The price I pay for bad choices is extracted every day, but, I owe the past nothing and take all of it forward only as reference. My failures are now my triumphs, for at almost 53, still breathing, I am only stronger from the battles with myself. Obviously they didn't kill me. Why would I let others now kill me over choices in the past I cannot change? How can I be sorry for living any moment when there are so precious few to spend.? Every breath we get is a small triumph over the inevitable day that's coming, so breath deep and enjoy the ride . Avoid the ruts. Make amends where necessary. Live forward, Enjoy, and know that whom you have been has everything to do with whom you will be, or whom you will not be, but the choice is yours and life is lived now and in the future.
Happiness is mostly perception and if there is a Heaven it is in your smile.